Just when you thought the story of Vice Chairman Philip Madloff—Stormwind banker turned public fruit target—couldn't get any juicier, along comes Hamfist Stonecan.
Yes, that Hamfist. War hero, bard, arsonist, former pirate and occasionally baffling presence in Stormwind social circles. He’s also, as it turns out, the latest alleged victim of Mr. Madloff’s infamous temper.
We met just off Cathedral Square. Hamfist was enjoying some low-profile gnome camouflage (a potted bush), until he agreed to tell me everything. And everything, dear reader, _was a lot._
It began with a claim as startling as it was specific. Months ago, Hamfist alleges, Philip Madloff “pushed him against a wall” in Boralus and proceeded to yell threats loud enough to wake the harbour seals. The cause? A disagreement about whether Madloff had faked Hamfist’s wife’s death.
Let’s pause. Yes. You read that correctly.
Hamfist’s wife, Natalie Wright (called Natasha de Ratmaus by Mr. Stonecan), had gone missing. Later, a body was found—and identified as hers. Grief ensued. Until it didn’t.
“She turned up again,” Hamfist told me. “The body belonged to someone else. Apparently, the corpse was used to fake her death.”
When he shared this theory publicly—naming Madloff as the mastermind—Madloff reportedly snapped. The banker denied it, calling it slander. The gnome called it “THE TRUTH,” with volume.
But the plot, like Hamfist’s storytelling, thickens fast.
Turns out Natalie is currently very much alive—and very much in prison. According to Hamfist, she’s being held in Boralus, accused of murdering a local. He insists she’s innocent. Or, at the very least, that if someone did it, it was “probably Madloff.”
At one point, Hamfist produced a letter—creasing it open with dramatic flair—and began reading aloud. He didn't offer to let me read it myself. Still, he quoted liberally:
“Dear husband. It was good to briefly see you in the courtroom. I'm glad you were so composed. As you can see, I'm fine—well, relatively.”
“Philip Madloff never killed me, and he's not a bad man, even though he's carried away by his temper sometimes.”
“I'm sure you two can fix your friendship, and I'm sorry that my mistakes have put it to trial.”
"I didn't see Toby at the trial, and it worried me. Is he fine?!”
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Toby is Hamfist's pet goat turned piggybank turned.. who knows. Last I heard the City Watch had taken the goat away from him after realising he kept feeding it gold.
“P.S. Prison's pretty bad, but Stockades were worse. xoxo, Natasha de Ratmaus."
There were follow-up questions, of course. Was Natalie the same woman as the once-dead wife? Was she the same woman as the alleged murderer? Why was she hiding in the first place? And just how many wives has Hamfist had?
Most of these were met with vague nods, shrugs, and the kind of digressive banter that only a gnome could pull off.
“What does a killer look like, Hardhy?!”
If you’ve never been shouted at by a gnome in public about the metaphysics of murder, I can now say I have. To be fair, it was prompted by a comment I made suggesting that Madloff “didn’t look like a killer.”
Hamfist’s rebuttal was... emphatic.
“They call him Philip
Shortfuse Madloff!” he screamed. “You think murderers look like pirates? No! They wear nice suits and yell at gnomes!”
I couldn’t argue with that. given my lack of experience being yelled at by murder and being a gnome.
Hamfist’s story paints Madloff not just as a banker gone bad, but as an enabler of fugitives and a man dangerously prone to yelling. Which, for anyone having met Hamfist, carries a certain amount of karma, as Hamfist himself has indeed been known to
occasionally yell extremely loudly.
According to the gnome, Madloff hid Natalie Wright when she was on the run. That’s what got him arrested in the first place. That—and intimidating not one, but two witnesses in the case, one of them being Hamfist.
“I told people what I knew. That’s why he got mad. That’s why I got pushed. And that’s why there were tomatoes the other night” he said, with the seriousness of a man remembering a war.
But I left that meeting with more questions than answers.
Was Madloff the mastermind of a fake death scheme?
Did Natalie Wright murder someone—or was she framed?
Is Stormwind’s and Boralu's legal systems similar allergic to closure?
One thing is clear: this story isn’t over. Not until trials are held, truths are aired, and Hamfist finishes his song. (Yes, there’s a song.)